Reality is my greatest teacher

A German/American who grew up mostly between Germany, France, and the US, I was conditioned by a traumatized culture that valued achievement and economic progress over personal and planetary wellbeing. I was a curious, creative, and highly sensitive child fascinated by the mystery of life. Feeling like a misfit both at home and in school, I spent a lot of time reading, writing stories, drawing, playing outside, and escaping into imaginary worlds. The challenging circumstances of my childhood called me to embark on a path of personal and spiritual development starting when I was 13.

On the outside, I was a successful over-achiever and changemaker.

I learned to play the game early and did everything I could to exceed others’ expectations. I was good at sports, got straight As, went to an Ivy League college, won awards and fellowships, gained membership in influential global networks, and traveled and worked across the world doing social impact and systems change work to do both “good and well.” While my intentions were good, my conditioned ways of being and working were not in full alignment and congruence with my vision for a more beautiful and just world.

On the inside, I was at war with myself and stuck in the ice of perfection.

I was at odds with myself - a Part of me was questioning the game the whole time, another helped me stuff down my deep sense of something being off and misaligned to keep pushing forward. I was stuck in the ice of perfection. I was working to optimize and improve myself and every area of my life believing there was a “best” or “right” way for everything. I was my own worst enemy and critic and was also judging others for not living up to my standards. I was overworking and never fully allowing myself to rest. I felt a lot of pressure to perform and was afraid to fail. I was caught in overanalyzing decisions and strategizing next steps. I was convinced that love, belonging, and worthiness were conditional based on me being “good” and “perfect.” I felt rigid, tense, frozen, and overly controlled in my body. It felt hard to breathe freely, share my voice, and relax fully. I was selectively hiding parts of myself in different contexts and concerned to let my whole self be seen. I was afraid that if people could truly see me and knew my story, they may find me too deep, too much, not enough, etc. and reject me. I was resigned to not finding the love and connection I was longing for.

After years of trying to control life and fix myself and the world, I could no longer push away the insistent call to come wildly alive and into full alignment.

I felt burnt out, empty, lonely, and disconnected from aliveness and a sense of possibility. I knew I had to find another way… I became acutely aware of the metacrisis, the multiple overlapping global crises we’re facing, of which I believe our current way of being human is the root cause. The way we understand and relate to ourselves, each other, and the planet is unsustainable and doesn’t unlock our deepest human potential for flourishing. Due to the effects of multi-generational trauma, we are not in touch with our True Nature, don’t recognize our interconnectedness, and are out of sync with the natural unfolding of our planet.

With the support of wise teachers, coaches, and peers, I learned to become intimate with and befriend everything inside of myself.

Exploring the depths of our humanity, I realized that who we are is really good news. I learned to open to the deep well of resourcefulness, creativity, brilliance, and love that’s our birthright. We each have a unique way of expressing our innate wholeness and gifts to bring to life. By becoming intimate with and attuning to the truth, beauty, and goodness of what’s inside, we can gradually become more integrated and discover a treasure trove of inner resources. Finding true home in myself, I realized I’m already whole and there’s nothing missing and nothing to fix in who I am as a human being. I have exactly what it takes to meet life as it is. I found more freedom from my professional and personal identities and realized living more and more from presence is the greatest gift I can offer. I’ve found more ease, flow, and intimacy of connection with others and a deep sense of innate belonging that’s never at stake. I’ve become less attached to how the world needs to be “improved” and changed while feeling more resourced and capable to be with and accept things exactly as they are which has facilitated shifts in perspective on perceived “problems” and spontaneous unfolding.

I realized I don’t have to figure everything out and mastermind it all. Life is trying to do its work through me. What’s mine to do is to listen, follow the call, and playfully participate in the unfolding.

I’ve come to experience myself and others as a continuously unfolding mystery. Learning to trust life and be all of who I am has steadily allowed me to create and receive the wildly abundant life I couldn’t imagine was possible.